You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Happy Friday Beautiful People! It’s a great day and lots of love is Springing forth.

I hope you all got a chance to enjoy “Read A Book” Thursday with featured author, Donna Hill. Isn’t she amazing?

“Romance Writer Donna Hill Steams Up Pages In New Book”

In case you haven’t heard, each week I am incorporating a new weekly venture called “Read A Book” Thursday. It is to promote authors and good books, as well as a way to stimulate your minds and engage your imaginations.

Well, you know what today is? It’s, “Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend” Advice Day.

Enjoy today’s entry and see you all next week!

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I would like to thank you first of all for being so real and for not being afraid to be yourself. I honor what you are doing and wish I had to strength to do it also.

I’m a 21-year old female and I have been bisexual for as long as I can remember. It’s a struggle living on the low and not wanting to tell anyone because I feel so ashamed. I do have lesbian friends and we go out and I can really be myself, but having to keep all of my feelings locked up and having to lie is really becoming stressful.

I have been in relationships with women before and I must say, during those short times it did last, I have never felt so good about myself, and so in love with any other person. When I was with a woman I wanted to tell my family, and the world, about this wonderful person I had met and fell in love with, but I could not. I couldn’t find the strength to do it. Since my last relationship with a woman, I’ve found a man – “the man” – I think I would like to spend the rest of my life with. He is not like the other men I have dated. He is so different from what I used to deal with, and I love him so much. He pleases me in every way except for one, and that is sexually.

You see, when we make love, I’m thinking of making love to FEMALES. When he’s away and I need to “get one off,” LOL, I think of females. I constantly think about the times I spent with them. I love this man and I never want to hurt him, but I’m so scared to tell him about my true desires. I don’t want him to feel like I don’t want him or that he doesn’t satisfy me, but the truth, Gay Best Friend, is that the urges I have for females, along with the want, desire, and passion that I hold towards women is becoming greater every day.

I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I mean, maybe, it’s because I’m so young and I keep telling myself I’m being greedy, and I can’t have both, and I keep hoping that one day the answer will just fall out of the sky. I doubt it, but, still every day I hope.

I have so much on my plate, and me being a down low female is not making things easier. So, if you can guide me in any way, be it a book, website, poem, or anything I would appreciate it GREATLY. Thanks in advance for the advice, and for being so uplifting, and for making a way for those like you and myself. – Young and Struggling

Dear Young and Struggling,

You’re hoping the answer will fall from the sky, well, POOF!

First, I want to thank you for sending your question. That, in and of itself, was very brave. It shows your strength and courage to find truth and answers.

Second, yes, I do know of the struggle you are dealing with. When I was younger, and dating both men and women, it was very hard to explain the feelings I had for both sexes. Like you I didn’t know who to turn to, or who I could speak with about what I was experiencing.

Now that I’m older and wiser, thank God for maturity, I have become a strong advocate for doing what makes you happy, but more importantly following your heart. You have to do what makes you happy in your heart and your life. It’s obvious you prefer woman, and it’s an inner turmoil because you want to please not only yourself, but those you love. So, you are continuing to date men, and lo and behold, you find a man you really enjoy being with. Ain’t that something? However, when you are having sex with him you are thinking of women. When he is away you are thinking of women. Well, honey, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. And, girl, you are a lesbian.

I hope you didn’t think I was going to let you off the hook. Let me get comfortable. If you are deceiving others, that is not good. The man you are involved with has a right to know. If you don’t disclose your feelings, and he finds out, it will not be pretty. Besides, you are not allowing him any say in the relationship. You are taking that away from him and it’s not fair. What if he chooses to be with you after you tell him your true desires? Then what? Just as I thought, you’re stuck, huh?

You stated perhaps you were being greedy. That is very selfish. Everybody wants to have their cake and eat it too. Imagine if someone did the same to you. Imagine if you discovered he was cheating on you. You would feel betrayed. You would be upset. And, you probably wouldn’t think he was “the man” for you.

Girl, I understand it’s difficult, and you are struggling within yourself because you don’t want to disappoint your family and friends. You want to make them happy. We all want to please our family and friends because those are the people we love, and they love us. But, what about you? Are you doing what makes you happy?  Are you loving yourself? And, who are you living for?

Let me tell you something, and it may take some time, hours, days, months, hell, even years before you get it, but first you’ve got to accept and love yourself. If you love you for who you are and not beat up yourself because of your sexuality, then others will love and accept you. Second, DON’T GET CAUGHT UP IN WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU. If they are your friends, your true friends, then they will stick by you and love you just the same because you are still the same lovable laughable personable good friend. Your family will still love you. They will support you and embrace you like they did before. If your friends don’t stick around, then guess what? They were never your true friends from the beginning. True friends will be there regardless.

One thing I’ve learned in my long journey and process of accepting me, was loving myself, and being happy with me. I’ve learned you can’t please everybody. Nope. You sure can’t. So, stop trying. And you know who taught me that valuable lesson? My grandmother and aunt. They told me, “Boy, folks hated on Jesus. Look at how they persecuted him for what he did for others. Look how they talked about him. What makes you think folks won’t do it to you.” Ever since then I walked to the beat of my own drum. Well, that which God is drumming.

As I got older I’ve also met some wonderful people who’ve assisted me on my journey. They are pastors and spiritual leaders. One spiritual leader told me, “You can’t please people. They are never satisfied. When it’s hot outside they want it to be cold. When it’s cold outside they want it to be hot. You go left they want to go right. You can’t please them.”

So, Ms. Young and Struggling I am saying to you, “Love you! Damn it.” Stop trying to please everybody. Girl, you are going to run yourself ragged trying to make everyone around you happy. Besides, who’s to say that this guy can’t be a good friend to you? Sit down with him lovingly and tell him your feelings. Explain to him what you’re going through. You stated he is different from all the other guys you have dated, so hopefully he really is, and if he loves you, he will understand.

And, thank goodness we are in a new day and age where there is a plethora of information for people who are struggling with their sexuality. You can read any of E. Lynn Harris’s books. His books changed the landscape for many men and women who were unaware of down low men and women in this world. You should also check out author, Laurinda Brown. She is a phenomenal and fabulous lesbian writer. And, I am certain there is a Lesbian, Gay, Bi-Sexual, Transgender (LGBT) Center in your area. Many have counselors who will speak with you over the phone, and you can remain anonymous until you are comfortable to share more information.

Honey, you are not alone. There are more people in the world like you than you know. You’ve made one courageous step, now take another! – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend

You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Good day, Ladies!

It’s almost Spring. The weather is breaking and it’s time to show more skin. And, with showing more skin you got to make sure you look good from head-to-toe.

And, this week’s “He Can Get It,” model is one of those men you will run into and you want to make sure you look your finest.

“He Can Get It” Wednesdays: Theo

Meet 32-year old DeSean a.k.a. One Take. DeSean, a native of Ohio, but currently residing in Memphis, Tenn., said his nickname is self explanatory. “Ladies, one time with me is all it takes.”

The recent southern native says that his ideal lady is, “One who is able to have good conversation, on her own career path, and she has a good personality. But, the most important thing is sex appeal. I need sex appeal in my lady and she knows how to take care of her man because I’m going take care of her.” Well alrighty then!

DeSean is a master barber in Memphis, so he knows how to use the clippers and other vibrating machines. Did I mention he is a Scorpio? Hmmmm. Maybe that will explain the nickname.

Besides being a barber by day, DeSean is a personal trainer by evening. Yeah, he’s doing the damn thing.  And, he even finds time to squeeze in his modeling, which he has been doing for the past three years. DeSean’s sexy looks has landed him some featured acting roles in a couple of music videos – the most recent is Young Gotti’s, “Sold Out,” music video.

You can find out more about DeSean on his myspace page here

Ladies, enjoy the Southern Charmer, DeSean!

You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

What’s up Beautiful People!

I hope you all had a wonderful and loving week. I know I did!

I tell you, “God, is good!” And you all say, “All the time!”

Today is Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend Advice Day. I got another two-for which I think the title aptly applies, “It’s Time For A New Attitude!”

Read on and, remember, keep loving yourself!

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have enjoyed your last couple of posts on Hello Beautiful, and I love the fact that you give it straight, no chaser. I have a question though. I have been with the same man, “Rod,” for 12-years off and on. We have a 2-year old daughter together. During, and, after my pregnancy, Rod cheated on me often. A couple of times I busted him. Each time I caught Rod, I got the same ole’ song and dance, ‘He was, oh, so sorry, and it would never happen again.’

To make a very long story short, Rod went to jail a couple months ago. I have never cheated on him during our relationship, but I have been seeing another man for the last couple of months. I have not told Rod that I am seeing anyone, and I am wondering if I should tell him. This is the kicker, though, Rod is from Jamaica. He is saying that the court system is trying to have him deported, but he is fighting it saying that he has a child and he needs to be here for her. Rod has been deported before and managed to come back into the country unnoticed.

I am afraid that if I don’t come clean about me seeing this new guy, and Rod finds out, he may do something to my new friend. I think I may know your next question which is, did I tell my new friend about Rod? The answer is, yes. I have told him everything from beginning -to end. I have even told him of the threats Rod made to me that if he ever sees me with another man he will kill them. I know that I need to end things with Rod, but I don’t want anyone to get hurt in the process including myself. Help – “What To Do?”

Dear “What To Do,”

And, the award for best dramatic actress in a leading role goes to, YOU!

Girl, you love drama don’t you? Don’t you know that everything that is, and has, happened to you in your life is of your own doing? You are a Drama Queen. You are creating all the drama in your life and you love it.

The question you need to be asking is why do you love drama so much? And, why do you keep creating it?

You’ve been in a relationship with Rod, who is Jamaican, for 12 years, and he in this country illegally. You knew that when you started dating him. You probably loved the fact that he was on the run and you were his Bonnie to his Clyde. You were his ride or die chick. Girl, please. Save that for the movies.

Then you have a baby with this man because you wanted to keep him around and to prove your love to him. Despite the fact he was sleeping with you and all the other women you busted him with. Why would you stay with a man who cheated on you on numerous occasions, and you caught him? Oh, yeah, because you invested so much into the relationship and you wouldn’t dare let another women come and benefit from all your time and effort you’ve committed to Rod.

We all have choices in life. You can choose who you want to be in a relationship with. You consciously knew what you were getting when you started dating Rod. You knew what you were getting when you caught him cheating and you continued to stay. So, who can you blame for that?

Now, he is in jail. You’ve started dating another man and haven’t told Rod about him. The courts are threatening to send him back to Jamaica and he’s saying he needs to be here for his daughter? Did he think about all of this before he went to jail? Was he concerned about becoming an American citizen while he was committing a crime? Is he using you, and his daughter, as his entrée into America? I’ll tell you this, the courts are not threatening to deport him, they will! He is in this country illegally. That is a crime in and of itself. However, he is currently in jail for a crime, and in the judicial system you are innocent until proven guilty, but, if he is found guilty of the crime he committed, they are going to ship him right back to Jamaica, and especially if they notice they’ve deported him once before.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe a man should be in his child’s life no matter the situation between the parents. It’s time you both grew up and became responsible parents for your daughter’s sake, and you and Rod are bound together because of your daughter. This is where you set the boundaries of your relationship with Rod. Decide what is in the best interest of your daughter and take it from there.

But, hold on, Ms. What-To-Do, Rod has threatened to kill any man you get involved with and you have not told him that you are in another relationship? Yes, you love drama and you are right in the middle of it. I am certain that if Rod has threatened to kill someone else, then he has probably threatened you. I am also certain there is some history of abuse in your relationship with him.

Do you want to stop the drama in your life? Then, stop creating it. Recognize your part in all of this. Take responsibility for your role.

I strongly suggest you tell Rod the truth. Don’t wait and don’t prolong it any longer. If you are moving on without him as a partner, and you want some sanity in your life, then for once be honest with everyone, including Rod, and yourself.

I also suggest you find a therapist, counselor, or women’s support group that help women in abusive relationships. A man threatening to kill other people for the sake of his love for you is not love. That is a dangerous person. He will harm you and it will escalate into a volatile situation and that is something you do not want your daughter to witness or experience.

It’s time to get real about your daughter’s life, your life, and stop playing around with other people’s lives. – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend!

“Relax, It’s Just Sex!”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have a question. I have an ex-boyfriend, “Anthony,” that I love dearly and he feels the same way about me. We are not together for of a lot of reasons, but we have remained friends. Sometimes we get into real nasty fights and we really hurt one another badly.

Well, today, Anthony said some real nasty things to me. He wished death on me all because I think he’s in a relationship, and he knows that I am not coming back to him. I am just heart-broken over what he said. I know I’ll get over it, but I don’t know what the deal is with my ex. This time I don’t think I can remain friends with him. Help – “Do I Move On”

Dear “Do I Move On,”

No, no, hell, to the naw!  Remember the song, We Can’t Be Friends, by the beautiful Deborah Cox and the sexy singer, RL, from the R&B group, Next. They hit the nail on the head. The message of the song, ‘I love you, but I can’t be friends with you.’

I’m sorry sweetie, but some of your exes you can’t be friends with immediately, especially if the break-up is fresh and recent. Not unless you have children together, then you have to be in each other’s lives. But, otherwise, a recent break-up has too many emotional, mental, and sometimes physical ties that keep you bound to your ex. There needs to be a separation period away from one another. That means no communication. No phone calls. No stopping by the house for a visit. No asking friends about one another. And, no hitting up one another on e-mail, Facebook, or any other social networking sites.

And, after reading your letter, honey, you and Anthony definitely need a break from one another! Neither of you have fully released one another and are still emotionally in a relationship. You know what I am talking about. You question him about his dating life, he blows up at you. He wonders who you are dating. You tell him to mind his business. You both are going tit for tat at one another.

Just like Lauryn Hill sang in her song, Ex-Factor, ‘Loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scars. You let go and I’ll let go too.’ Stop fighting with him. Stop abusing one another. If you really love him and want the best for him, then let him go. Move on and enjoy your life, and let him enjoy his life.

Besides, Ms. Do-I-Move-On, why would you want to be friends with someone who wishes death upon you? The same man you shared intimate relations, conversations, and part of your life with and now he wishes you were dead. Nope, that is not someone you should be friends with. If his words are causing you heartache, it’s not worth it. Love yourself. Love yourself enough to walk away and let him go. And while you’re strutting on your journey, check out the biblical verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. It will give you the perfect definition of what love truly is.

And, in the words of taking her shoes off, soul sangin,’ gut-wretching, Fantasia, ‘If you don’t love me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself. If you don’t want me then don’t talk to me. Go ahead and free yourself.’ – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend!

You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Dear Gay Best Friend,

I have a problem I just can’t figure out. I am from a small country town and have always been the type that likes city guys. I like everything about them – their swag, the way they dress, and the way they carry themselves.

One day I was in the Dollar General Store and met this guy, “Carl,” from Washington, DC. Carl told me he was in town because he’d been working on a building for two years. We exchanged numbers and two weeks later Carl calls, and was telling me about himself. He said he’s a big Kanye West fan, very into fashion, and a big football fan.

Carl asked if we could chill one night and I said yeah. When I got to his house we started talking and he told me that everyone he comes across thinks he’s gay. My eyes got really big. I asked, “Why do they think you’re gay?” He said, “It’s because I’m well-groomed. I take care of my body. I like to dress nice and I like clean things.” I said, “Ok.” He then asked, “Is that gonna be a problem?” I said, “No.”

That same night he told me he hadn’t had sex since October and it was June. We had sex and he hits it from the back. I remember hearing that “Down Low” dudes like hitting it from the back and nothing else. About a month or two later he met my cousin and as soon as she laid eyes on him she said he’s gay, without even talking to him first. So when he left my cousin asked, “Is he gay?” I said, “No.”

I really like him and he’s very nice. So talk to me is he gay? -“Small Town Confusion”

Dear “Small Town Confusion,”

Just because you’re in a small town you’re not alienated from the world. Clues are clues, honey. But I am sure the “Big City” man who dazzled you with his good looks, high-fashions, and sweet nothings made you weak in the knees. Girl, we’ve all been there.

Now, based on the information you provided only one thing stands out that makes me go, hmmm, could he be gay? It’s that everyone he comes across thinks he is. I come from the old school where we have a saying, “Everyone knows, but you.” Meaning, everyone has peeped your card about your sexuality, but you are in denial.

However, I re-read your story and I thought to myself, wait a minute, I know many heterosexual men like your friend. They like Kayne West. They dress nice, are well-groomed, and take care of their bodies. They are also football fans. And, on many occasions people have assumed they were gay. Awww, the key word, “assume.”

You see, Ms. Small-Town-Confusion, I put men like your friend in the category of, He’s Not Gay, But He Has Gay Tendencies. What I mean by this is their mannerisms and actions would make one immediately assume, based solely on observation, they are gay. Yet, as you get to know these men, have conversation, and hang out with them, you discover they are not gay, they are just slightly effeminate. And, it could be based on the fact they talk with a lisp, use their hands when they speak, carry man-bags, and like being well-groomed. Those do not make a man gay.

Even liking Kayne West does not equal gay. He makes good music. But, if your man is singing in a falsetto voice, songs by, Whitney Houston and Beyonce, and he knows the routine to “Single Ladies,” then uhm, girl, he is gay.

But, I do like he was upfront with you when he said people think he’s gay, and asked if you had a problem with it. Most men would run and avoid the topic, and not share what others think of their sexuality. To me it shows he is comfortable with who he is. And, if he is comfortable with himself he wants to know if you are. And, you him told you were.

So, tell your cousin don’t be hating because you snagged yourself a Big City man before her. Date him and have fun. Now, if every time you have sex he wants to go in the ‘backdoor,’ then, girl, let him keep his city ways to himself! – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend!

“You Want To Put It Where!?!”

Dear Gay Best Friend,

Ten years ago my male roommate told me he had the perfect man for me. It was a friend of his, “David,” a police officer, who lived in the Bay area. My roommate called David, and he flew to San Diego to meet me. We hit it off and have been dating ever since.

However, over time I’ve noticed some things that make me question David’s sexuality.

David still lives in the Bay area and flies down to spend time with me. For the past six years I have lived in my own place not too far from a community named, Hillcrest, which has a large homosexual population. However, David is always inquiring about the Hillcrest area. I keep thinking to myself, “Why is he so interested in Hillcrest?”

One time he was sporting the gay rainbow bracelet and a short necklace. I made him take it off and told him it represented someone who was gay. He said he didn’t know that. And, then, sometimes when he’s naked he puts his “Johnson” between his legs and says something ridiculous and I start to wonder. Also, he’s super neat and clean, even more so than me.

Recently, we were talking and I casually, but seriously asked, “Are you gay?” He flipped and said, “What the f**k kind of question is that!?!” And the argument started. We didn’t speak for a few days. I finally called him and apologized and we made up.

Every time I’ve kicked him to the curb for something he comes right back. I want to get married however, David has been married previously. He is divorced with an adult child. I don’t have any problems in the men area, and I love men strictly, but I love David and am not sure what to do.

We just had an argument and he said there are men on the police force who are in the closet and choose to do so. He said it’s easier for the men to disguise their sexuality than women on the force. Is he giving me signals? Am I being paranoid? – “A Sista Wants To Know”

Dear “A Sista Wants To Know,”

WOW! Ms. Honey, I am going to personally come to San Diego myself and knock some sense into your head. I mean really. You’ve been dating a man who lives in another city for the past ten years and he hasn’t asked you to marry him? Really, girl!?!

I am going to come back to that one, so let’s address if he’s giving you signals about his sexuality and if you have a right to be paranoid.

Okay, wait a minute. Pause. I’m still bugging. He’s in the Bay area and you’re in San Diego. Ten years of dating and no marriage? GIRL!!!

I’ve recollected myself again. Now, he’s fully aware of down low men and women because he works with them on the police force. He’s told you about them. He even went so far as to give you an explanation of why it’s easier for men to hide their sexuality than women. He’s obviously been discussing the subject with some of his police pals, or possible one of his down low police brethren. That doesn’t make him gay. He probably was interested to discover there were undercover gay policemen and he was working with them.

When he visits you and inquires about Hillcrest, the largely gay community, now that does raise a flag. What is he inquiring about? But, the fact that he had on a bracelet with the gay rainbow colors and a short necklace, and he didn’t know it represented someone who was gay. I ain’t buying that excuse. He’s a police officer. I am sure he has knowledge or has been trained to observe people, behaviors, and symbols, especially the colors that represent the gay rainbow, and he is from the Bay area. Naw, that isn’t flying by.

But, I do want to share something you with ladies. Some men, in privacy, at one time or another, have pulled their “Johnsons” between their legs to see what it looks like. I’ve seen men do it playfully in the locker room. Did I think they were gay? No, not at all. It’s for gags. I think some men have a particular fascination to know what it would look like if it was not there. Just like I think women fanaticize if they had a penis.

However, girl, I do think he has gay tendencies and is gay curious. Especially after the fact when you questioned him and he flipped out. If he’s not gay then he wouldn’t get that upset and stop speaking with you. I think you hit a sore spot with him because he may secretly find the gay life fascinating, as I think some men secretly do. I mean come on, we are fabulous. We have fun and we have no problem expressing ourselves. Does it mean his curiosity makes him gay? No. Does that make him suspect? No. He does things that would make one suspect him of being gay, but I gather he is straight.

But, Ms. A-Sista-Wants-To-Know, I am going back to the fact he is another city and you’ve been dating ten years. Girl, get a grip and move on. He is not going to marry you. Why should he? He is getting everything he wants from you without the title or paper. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has another woman in the Bay area when he is not with you in San Diego. Move on, honey. I don’t understand women who hang on to a man because you are hopeful for one day, or he may, or he will change. GIRL, Poof! Disappear. – Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend!

You’ve got questions? He’s got answers! Need advice?

Send your questions to Terrance: girlworkonyou@aol.com

Hey Ladies and Gentlemen!

You know what today is? “He Can Get It” Wednesday!

The models for “He Can Get It” are everyday guys who you see on the street, grocery store, mall, gym, or in the case above, he’s your cable man.

The above model is 26-year-old David Pacheco. A sexy Venezuelan from Queens, New York, David is a cable man. Wouldn’t you love it if he shows up at your door looking to install cable in your home? I can hear you now, “Uhm, excuse me Mr. Cable-Man, I need an additional installation in my bedroom.”

And, yes, ladies, David is single and loves a woman who can cook and dance a sexy merengue.

“He Can Get It” Wednesdays: Rubin (Click HERE to order a poster of Rubin)

Without further adieu, I know you want to see more of David. Well, there is more of him below:

And, don’t forget to check back in on Friday for my advice column, “Straight, From Your Gay Best Friend.”

This week is another two-for and it’s another doozy: “He’s Not Gay, But He Has Gay Tendencies.”

(Also, if you know of a man, or if you are a man, who would like to share with the ladies and you think you are a ”He Can Get It” Wednesday model, you can send an email to: girlworkonyou@aol.com.)

See you on Friday!

Terrance

“VIDEO: Hip Hop Secrets With Terrance Dean”