Jennifer Hudson addressed the murders of her mother, brother and nephew for the first time on a Behind the Music episode that aired Monday night on VH1. Calling the deaths “surreal,” she reportedly said, “For almost two weeks straight…[I was] inside one room with just family and friends coming in and out.” She said she would pray in the morning and again at night. Hudson’s estranged brother-in-law, William Balfour, was charged in connection with the 2008 murders.

Hudson said her spirits have been lifted by the birth of her now-11-month-old son, David. She said the child makes her “feel like the most special person on Earth. I want him to get the same love and the same upbringing my mother gave us.” The boy’s father is Hudson’s fiancé, WWE wrestler David Otunga.